I’m sharing my story with you because I want you to know
that you are not alone. Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves a
happy, healthy, functioning relationship. Above all else, everyone deserves to
love and be loved.
The story.
After three years tumultuous years, my boyfriend and I
finally called it quits.
The day I saw him I fell in love. But he didn’t. I spent the first year of our relationship
begging for him be with me, to love me. I was delusional, lost in what I
thought was love, and everyone noticed.
Year two was when he started to fall for me. He had it
all. A girl who drove him around, paid for everything, and loved him to no
ends. Why would anyone give up this offer? But the relationship was still unhealthy
in so many ways. My friends and family knew it, and we knew it as well. But by
now we were attached and comfortable enough not to leave.
The third and final year was all about comfort and
convenience. We’ve grown so accustomed to our routine that anything outside of
that was foreign and scary to us. I believe that he did love me, but not nearly
as much as I ever loved him. I felt like he neglected me and he felt that he
didn’t owe me time because he had just spent the last three years of his life
with me.
I went through it all with this guy: verbal abuse, physical
abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, toxicity.
We were each other’s addiction and wanted that high all
the time.
As you can see, it was red flags from the beginning. But
why do people stay in these types of relationships then?
Because we think we can change people. I’ve had that
struggle my entire life and with all my relationships. My mom says that I go
after “bad boys” because I think I can make them a better person. But the
reality of it is nobody changes unless they want to be changed. Take a look at
yourself. Are you willing to change who you are?
This doesn’t mean that we never had good times, because
we did. In fact, we had some really great times. But that doesn’t justify how
unhealthy the relationship was.
So, why am I sharing my story with you?
You just broke up with your significant other? You went
through an identical relationship to mine? Or maybe you have a friend who is
going through this and don’t know what to say to them?
The Rules.
Whether this is your first or twentieth relationship,
when it ends it all hurts the same. But it’s true that you can’t get through
this without your friends. The last thing you need to do after a breakup is be
alone.
I lost all my friends during my relationship, so it was
time that I re-build my relationships. If they are your true friends, they will
understand that you were going through a rough time in your life and will be there
for you in the end. If they won’t accept your friendship again, they weren’t
very good friends in the first place.
The second break up rule is to stay distracted. For the
entire month after our breakup, I would sob whenever I was alone. At work,
staring at my computer. Walking to my car. In the shower. Alone in my bed.
Anywhere. But trust me, IT WILL GET BETTER! I still get sad from time to time,
but it’s the normal grieving process.
The key to staying distracted in a positive way is to
watch funny TV shows or movies that don’t remind you of them. Pick up some
hobbies or join a club or a fitness group. Do not, I repeat, do not listen to
sad songs or songs that remind you of them. Put on some gangsta rap or club
music that will make you happy.
The best one I’ve done so far is to write your feelings
down. You won’t feel like it for the first week or two, but when you are
comfortable enough, write how you feel or what you would say to them. I called
mine the “Breakup Journal”.
Here are some questions to answer in your Breakup
Journal:
1. Step back and look at the big picture. How did
you contribute to the problems of the relationship?
2. Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or
choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?
3. Think about how you react stress and deal with
conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?
4. Consider whether or not you accept other
people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.
5. Examine your negative feelings as a starting
point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control
of you
I found that when you’re ready to evaluate the role you played in that
relationship and your past relationships, it really helps to see how you have
grown and will continue to grow as a person.
The advice.
Never settle for less than you deserve.
Whether this was your first boyfriend or a long marriage, the concept
is the same. In all areas of your life, you should strive for the best and put
yourself first. Never depend on someone else for your happiness and never
sacrifice your own happiness to make someone else happy.
Listen to your heart.
Your instincts are usually spot on. I always had the feeling, and not
to mention actual people telling me that I was in an unhealthy relationship,
but I didn’t listen to myself.
Love yourself.
When you have genuine love and respect for yourself, that energy will
show and will invite others deserving of your love in. Likewise, if you don’t
love or respect yourself, then others won’t love or give you the respect you
deserve either.
Don’t give up.
With relationships it’s all about trial and error. Never say to
yourself that you will die alone, because that’s over-dramatic and so far from
the truth. Stay optimistic and don’t go hunting for the next best thing. When
you least expect it someone will find you. Last but not least, my mom always
says this, “Find someone who loves you more than you love them.”
Stop thinking that you are a hopeless romantic. You are a hopeful
romantic.
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